i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
