a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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