He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
