She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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