I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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