I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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