We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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