please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
