I want to make a zoo with you.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
