we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
All the doctor said was why
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
