Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
