Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
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