So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
