My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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