I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just blew my weed a kiss
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize