shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
