history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
