He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
