some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
