i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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