you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
