fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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