mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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