so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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