Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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