Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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