I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
