and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
