I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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