she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
