I wanna bring you to show and tell
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
