Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize