Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
