I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
