I don't usually arrange sex via text message
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
