Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
this boner is exhausting
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
