im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
