i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
