I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Randomize
