He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
