So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Randomize
