The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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