she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
