i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize