Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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