If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
