Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
