i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
