If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
