Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize