shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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