come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize