She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
