Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
