Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
