and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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