I hate your face
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
