I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
a search helicopter?!
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I need water and some morals
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
