dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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