He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
