The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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